Diary entry 12/6/2011

My Dad said I should include more of the personal musings I often include in my letters to him so here goes ... erm ... something...

Dec 6th
After a mostly self-inflicted lovely but hectic day before - presents, treatment, running, then a comedy club with some family and friends - and not enough sleep by half somehow today I feel a real power & strength leaving for Japan. Writing Christmas cards I realise that this year has actually been utterly incredible really - my trip to the Lake District with the Willow Foundation, my (albeit belated) Japan trip in July, Mauritius with my father and lovely brother and sister, lots of wonderful support from my family in the UK & of course the most amazing one of all my alternative treatment fundraising success. When I think of all that the challenges I (it feels more like we now though) faced throughout the year: 2 months of chemo, my ill-fated colostomy reversa leading to the very disappointingly (at the time, now it doesnt seem to matter at all) cancelled japan trip in May, 3 visits to Accident & Emergency including rudely interrupting a hatha yoga courseI didnt even get to start at the ashram (quite the opposite physically I can tell you!) - just fall away into insignificance. I find myself with only one sentence hanging in the air, like a clean sock tumbling from its apex in the dryer: I wouldnt change a thing! If I did I'd have to give up the most incredible thing - the knowledge that I am loved & the feeling of being supported when a hippopotamus-like load is balanced precariously on your state of mind. The stress destroying positive energy in the comments and generosity of you all - family & friends across the globe - has been nothing short of overwhelming, allowing me to invest in my body even so deep as at a cellular level with some of the things it has given me the purchase power to do. And guess what? … digestive troubles aside I feel fantastic for it! Finally my fitness and energy levels are getting back to around June 2010 levels, the last time I was really physically fit enough to run 30 minutes. I have a long way to go but its a start…

When I think of my nephew Louis' cycling efforts raising over 1000 pounds so far, Josh & crew in Tokyo raising over 1500 with the help of all my amazing friends out there doing a party in my honour, plus all the individual donations and comments I feel something really intense happening. The earth feels like its moving, but around me & in support of me rather that falling away from under me - how I feel when I am buried in the mud of chemotherapy - or that the ground has given way beneath you - how it feels when you're suffering the post-op agony of major surgery. To the backdrop of that mire the kindness of this last year takes me far beyond thoughts of 'why me?', 'did I do this to myself?', 'what did I do wrong?', that so many fellow cancer patients seem to suffer with … I am left with the insight bursting through that my cancer far from being a curse is actually a gift - granted wrapped in a rather displeasing box. With it came unending love from my family, unfaltering and sometimes surprising support from friends even thousands of miles across the other side of the world and of course the grateful realisation that I am still one of the lucky ones - one of the luckiest I sometimes think - to not only have all this but also the beauty of natural all around me every day, which I appreciate like never before.

Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart where I discover a little pulsating ball of increasingly bright light of a soul you know as Dave quietly resides, biding his time. For what only time will tell, but time is something we all have - NOW is never ending.

http://vimeo.com/34236830


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ps. some books you might like...
Benjamin Hoff - The Tao of Poo & The Te of Piglet - officially my favourite book ever so far!!!
Eckhart Tolle - The Power of Now ... wonderful handbook how to live more in the present
Swami Nirmalanda - Yogic Management of Cancer ... has helped me so much this year!